queen of the robots

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Friday, May 27

"Och!"

I so desperately want to stay in the city - but at the same time, I don't. I loathe and love this city with its foibles and habits and faults and strengths; its ability to be completely open to nearly everything, yet still managing to be extremely close-minded. Gay marrage? Sure! Republicans? Fuck no!

I want to leave! I want to get out, I want to start over! That's what I wanted to do in High School but instead I've become a person that I don't wanna be! I hate Bay, oh God I hate it, hate it hate it hateithateithateit. I hate Burkes, yet I'm going back on the 2nd and the 8th. (of june). I wanna just crawl in the metaphorical and non-dirty hole that is Seattle and take with me my ipod, my computer, and a ton of starbucks. All I want to take with me from the city are those happy memories - those fleeting moments when everything feels like, "Oh, it's gonna be okay now!" And then as soon as you step in the door (after about five minutes of fumbling with the stupid fuckin' lock...yeah I've been in my house since 4th grade and I still can't open the front door) everything changes or crashes down around my shoulders.

It's like Garden State... this isn't my home anymore. I can't recognize it as a place of saftey or comfort... it's turned into just a house for me. I feel like I'm on permanent vacation and can't get home because there's a blizzard in Chicago or something.

FUCK. Arrrg. I want this school year to be over! High school to be over! I'm dying for college!

And at the same time I wish I were five again, smiling innocently at the camera with my crooked ears and tiny dimples - but that's never gonna happen again. Because my life is zooming by me and I can barely grab a hold of it to capture the moment and marvel at it. KDBS seems like a lifetime ago but it hasn't been a year since I walked down that drive way and said, "Yes! I am fucking DONE!" It's only been nine months since I started Bay, but it feels like 10 years ago. What happened to all those summers? What happened to all those missed opportunities?

God damn, this movie makes me depressed.

[listening to: Garden State]

1 can bleed like me

1used to be friends:

emma! good lord! no more watching garden state! here's whatcha hafta do this weekend: go make popcorn. grab a soda, a fuzzy blanket, and claim the couch as your own. go get the weirdest movie you can find, the most action-y movie, and just a random cartoon. like... best in show, true lies, and the land before time 987. sit. eat. watch. feel all fuzzy inside! and for cryin' out loud, don't eat the garlic ice cream....

ps- i just learned mr. stevens (a history teacher from Thacher) is moving to SF to get married over the summer then he's going to work at the BAY SCHOOL next year!! he's really cool, kind of big head, really tall, likes to kayak... :)

By A, at 28/5/05 12:28 PM